Peter was not just a regular ex, but an extremely toxic one. He represented that one difficult lover that was hard to shake; the one your brain hates but your heart can’t give up on. It was a relationship plagued with abuse and a need for constant validation. He was viewed more as a project, as opposed to a lover. He was a man I was obsessed with “fixing” due to my own subconscious egotistical superiority complex. At the time he wasn’t considered “on my level” in regards to work and education. His status also added to my obsession. How can a man below me disregard me? He was the man my friends would question, then later confirm that I could do much better. This validation fed my inflated insecure ego even more.
I desperately wanted a man I could “help,” so I could feel needed. My self-esteem was so depleted that I felt I couldn’t do much for a man who wasn’t struggling. Peter was the perfect project.
He was a mystery more than anything. It was quite clear the relationship was merely physical and based on nothing more. In my head, I told myself I was in a committed relationship, and Peter would only claim me when it was convenient. Convenience was based on what I could provide for him, whether it be sex or money.
There were also other women in the picture and I tolerated disrespect on a regular basis. I placed all the blame regarding his mistreatment on Peter, but little did I know I was taking on the role of the victim. Today though, I am completely aware that I was responsible for how I allowed him to treat me.
The relationship spanned off and on again from the ages of 18 to 25.
By my mid-twenties I reached a different level of consciousness. I refer to my mental state during this time period as being consciously stupid. I would make bad decisions but didn’t feel the need to put a stop to them. I knew for sure that I did not want the result of my bad choices to follow me into my 40s, but in my head, I still had a little time before then.
I kept one foot in and one foot out when it came to the relationship. I would selfishly entertain Peter out of boredom, but knew better not to get too involved with him. I would keep communication open, but would never see him. There came a point where it had been more than two years since I’d physically seen him. I was wising up and the goal was to avoid intimacy at all cost. After sex, I realized I would become emotionally crippled, depressed, and easy to manipulate.
Despite our unhealthy interactions, a part of me always wanted to pick Peter’s brain. I believe this is why I tolerated his mistreatment for so long. In the beginning stages of the relationship, I was in a space where I so desperately wanted to be wanted by Peter. I had this unattainable goal of needing to be valued by him. He was a challenge that I needed to overcome. Our relationship was merely sexual and he kept me at arm’s length with it came to emotions or feelings.
One day the opportunity presented itself for Peter and I to meet up in a public place. I would finally have the opportunity to sit down and talk to him. I was going to be in his area, and since we were in a public place no sexual slip-ups could happen. We chose a local bar.
I arrived first and patiently waited on Peter. When he arrived the nervousness and intimidation I use to feel was no longer there. We started our meet up with a hug and of course a drink. After we got a little bit loose the questions started to come.
For years I was under the impression that Peter wasn’t attracted to me. He confirmed throughout the years he always considered me beautiful. He spoke about his absent father and the effect that had on his responsibilities as a man. He owned up to his fear of commitment and unhealthy behaviors.
Peter revealed his faults, apologized for his behavior, and praised me as a person. Then after all this was said and done, he decided to insult my physical appearance from my hair to my dress. Years ago this would have debilitated me, but now it was almost laughable. I was assured of myself and my appearance and his opinion did not matter.
As the night progressed I realized that Peter was still the same toxic person from the past. Despite his ability to see his flaws, he refused to do the work to change them. I came to the realization that I was just as toxic in the past and as much of a user as he was. Instead of using manipulation to acquire material things from Peter, I was using it to gain his attention and a title. Being in his presence was like accompanying the old insecure me, and through that revelation alone I acknowledged my growth. Of course, Peter tried to suggest sex that night and I shut him down instantly. From there I knew the girl he could get to do almost anything was finally dead and it was time to start living life.
