Opposite sex friendships are such a touchy topic. Add a romantic relationship in the mix and it can get even more complicated. Men and women can for sure be “Just friends,” but confusion shows its ugly head when there is discord or discomfort between the friend and your partner. When having to address that strange exchange the all too familiar word “Insecure” pops up in the conversation. Don’t get me wrong, some people are extremely insecure when it comes to their partner engaging in relationships with the opposite sex, but there are instances when the discomfort is warranted. Insecurity is not a factor when your partner only has a problem with certain friends of the opposite sex and not all of them.
If boundaries are being crossed, and your partner feels disrespected or disregarded, then a conversation needs to take place. The fact that you have maintained a relationship with both parties, though, means that your perception of your friend’s behaviors can be tainted.
Oftentimes the span of the friendship may have lasted longer than your current romantic relationship. That time factor can cause you to question your spouse’s discomfort. There are clear signs when a friend is genuine or if they have a personal agenda. Through the lack of boundaries, creating unnecessary contention, and a failure to integrate or engage, your friend may have ulterior motives which you are subconsciously aware of. This is a clear indication that ties need to be severed. If the issue is not addressed immediately, there will be discord in your current and possible future relationships.
First off, friends are usually happy when you’re happy. True genuine relationships are hard to come by, and when one of your partners in crime finds true happiness that’s a win for the team. This goes for same-sex friendships as well. If your friend is intentionally trying to get in between you and your significant other, (the source of your current happiness) they are clearly not your friend. Some friends remain in your life as bench warmers for an opportunity or they selfishly dislike the idea of their role in your life changing due to the presence of someone else.
If the relationship changes significantly with the presence of a significant other, this is a clear indication that there was a lack of boundaries from the beginning. There are certain behaviors and activities that are intended for a spouse, and others that are intended for friends. If the lines are unclear, confusion and bitterness can be the result. Your friend may think your relationship was going somewhere romantically, and it can be devastating once you engage someone else.
Is your friend doing things to create unnecessary contention or make your partner uncomfortable? Are they being openly flirtatious or inappropriate? They may force you to make uncomfortable compromises to accommodate them. This an ego boost meant to intentionally pit themselves against your significant other making them seem more important with the intent of causing drama.
Integration is extremely important when it comes to opposite-sex friendships. Relationships that are important to you should be connected. Your friend and partner should get to know each other. If your friend is intentionally trying to remain inconspicuous, they may have other plans for you. If you can’t converse with your friend about your partner without them being disengaged or changing the subject, something is off. You may subconsciously try to maintain this level of separation because you know the relationship is inappropriate.
The most important question is: What is the root of the friendship and is it genuine? Some friends are there for entertainment when your partner is not available or to act as an ego booster. In other words, you may subconsciously know their intent, but are maintaining the relationship solely out of ego. The basis of your friendship could be attention and advice and nothing more.
At the end of the day if you are getting serious with your partner and his/her discomforts are warranted, it may be time to cut the cord on the friendship. Maintaining an inappropriate relationship with someone of the opposite sex doesn’t only hurt your partner, but your friend also. Your engagement is providing them with a potentially false hope that they have an opportunity with you. If ending the friendship doesn’t seem like a viable option, you may be better off pursuing a romantic relationship with your friend…
